“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
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Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?