*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
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Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?