When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
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When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.
He described his son as “very mature”.
Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.