oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
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Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”