I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
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at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.