Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
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When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
He’s cranky this morning
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.