The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
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When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Today’s Times
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.