No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
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Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
But wait…
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough