Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
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ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit