At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
You Might Also Like
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
How your email finds me
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*