My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
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the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
“OMGJK” -atheists
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.