I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
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Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!