I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
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I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Gross if literal…Liverpool
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.