I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
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Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are