As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
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“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Smile Twitter, Smile.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this