My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
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How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Mornin
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”