[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
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This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.