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Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
anyone else like Italian cereal
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
me adding lol on a serious message