Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
You Might Also Like
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.