I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
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[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
#Caturday
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.