Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
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Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.