At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
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I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
What do you hear?
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.