Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
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My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
My beach vacation Google searches
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.