The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
You Might Also Like
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
So we got a goldfish…
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??