My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
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I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’