I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
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Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.