Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
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I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Our lord and savoury.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
“That’s what” – She
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”