SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
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invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.