Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
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“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
When you’ve simply given up.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”