Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
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America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Thinking about Jeff
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.