Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
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I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him