Social distancing in Australia:
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[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through