4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
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There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.