Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
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Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
How I like cutting carbs
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
This bar smells like my childhood.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
I’m not wrong
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life