I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
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In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey