If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
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How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
The most important meal of the day is the next one
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.