Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
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Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
I bet
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.