Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
You Might Also Like
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷