Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
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explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*