During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
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Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
#parenting
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!