First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
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Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
is this store having a stroke wtf
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.