Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
You Might Also Like
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.