Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
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If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.