“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
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Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.