My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
You Might Also Like
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?