Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
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I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
the only organized thing in my life is crime
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!