[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
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Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”