Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
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I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction