Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
You Might Also Like
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what