i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
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Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Thursday Thought.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test